Empathy--what's it made of?

As a coach I am paid to be empathetic but far too often I fail to be empathetic in my personal life.  However, my desire is to really listen to and understand others.  If you look at EMPATHY you will see it contains EMPTY and AH. 

To become empathetic one needs to be EMPTY of ME.  In other words, create a space in our agendas, minds and emotions for another person.  Take time to listen without planning what you are going to say next.  Withhold all judgment and criticism for a few minutes.  Allow the other person to complete their thoughts and expression of what they are experiencing.  Be completely there for THEM.

As you listen you will begin to grasp the scope of emotions they are feeling and come to understand the thinking behind what they have expressed.  When you are fully engaged with empathy you will automatically respond with AH......followed by a phrase which confirms we have fully grasped their situation and emotions, "AH, now I understand why you....."

Empathy opens doors for authenticity and understanding leading to close, healthy relationships.  Of course, this is of tremendous value within families but it is also of value in the workplace where assumptions and misunderstandings prevail.

Follow these steps in several conversations this next week and let me know what happens.

If "Life is Good" why is it so painful?

The following is a story, which I hope captures your attention as well as provides a different perspective on your life and relationships. 

The dark, cramped box tugged open and light beamed down on me. A large firm hand lifted me and out and placed me on a shelf. I stood straight and tall, as if I had a choice, along with the other “Life is s good” water bottles. I found life was okay on the shelf but then, one day, everything changed.

A lovely young woman walked up to our display started examining various water bottles. After quite some deliberation I felt her soft, thin fingers lift me up and hold me, inspecting me all around. To my delight she took me to the counter and paid for me. A week later I was stuffed into a gift bag and presented to Mom for her birthday from Eileen. It was a fun party!

For Mom it was love at first sight, I admit most of that love was due to the fact that she is especially fond of her daughter. Mom, or Barb, as I found out later loved my lovely blue color, strong metal body and particularly my “life is good” logo. I had no idea life could be SO GOOD or adventuresome.
My first adventure started a couple weeks later when I went with Steve and Barb to Glacier National Park. This was right after Barb finished her chemo treatments for breast cancer and we were all grateful to move on. It was a memorable trip with lovely sights, lots of hikes with Barb making obnoxious noises so grizzlies wouldn’t eat them. I would survive! We went on a kayak trip in the San Juan’s a couple weeks later. It was terrific to see Barb enjoying herself.

Cultivating your heart in your relationships

Do you find yourself entangled in confusion or simple conversations ending on a sour note?  Do you feel misunderstood and hurt or angry because the other person isn't responding the way you want? We often express our disfavor, frustration or anger which leads to conflict or withdrawal.  Try to cultivate your heart in your relationships.   

A cultivated heart is one that is curious, interested in and putting aside judgments of the other person and begin to seek understanding.  It is easy to view another person's behavior as being intentional toward us. We make it about us rather than cultivating understanding between you and the other party.  In real life that means stopping to consider different possibilities that would influence their behavior. Most of us let our emotions get in the way of understanding the other person.  We jump to conclusions and we react rather than respond constructively.  To have our hearts cultivated in our relationships we must put aside our immediate concerns to protect and defend ourselves (in cases other than physical or verbal abuse) or control the situation and listen, really listen to the other party.

Living reconciled

We encounter many relationships, responsibilities and stimuli that often leave us confused, feeling guilty, disappointed, overwhelmed or sorry for ourselves.  When I live reconciled I am able to make decisions based on my values rather than external pressures which results in fulfillment and satisfaction rather than tension and resentments.  For example, I value a simple life built around relationships rather than things.  It is easy for me to get entangled in comparing my belongings with those of others, producting discontent and other negative feelings.  I have to make conscious choices throughout the day to live my values.  For example, when I get a new catalogue in the mail I am tempted to spend time developing a wish list rather than on sending a sympathy card to my cousin who lost her mom recently. 

Another way to live reconciled is

Me, a hero?

Do you consider yourself a hero?  The dictionary defines a hero as a remarkably brave person; someone who is admired for outstanding qualities or achievements.  Take a moment and review your life, especially the challenges you've encountered.  How did you deal with those challenges such as loss of a relationship or financial security, health or family challenges?  We all have them and most of us work to resolve them and improve our lives but fail to give credit to ourselves for being courageous and  brave or for achieving by overcoming obstacles.  I look back on the time I was going through training to become a coach while working full time, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I somehow managed surgery and treatment while working, training starting my coaching practice while continuing to run regularly.  I just got through it.  I just did the next thing I needed to do.  Was I perfect at work or coaching?  Did I set new personal records in running?  Not at all, I barely managed, but, by the grace of God, I got through it. 

When we celebrate our bravery and perseverance in difficult times we stop feeling sorry for ourselves or stop criticizing ourselves for having gotten into the difficulty or not managing them perfectly.  Sometimes we are heroes for just getting through tough times and when we can learn from them it's even better.  Celebrate!

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• Coaching: Career, business development, communication, conflict resolution, health issues, organization, and personal developmement; financial decision making and budget and lifestyle changes.*
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*The role of a coach is to empower the client to explore and obtain resources that help them make decisions and make changes that work best for them. See, "What is a Coach."