Cultivating your heart in your relationships

Do you find yourself entangled in confusion or simple conversations ending on a sour note?  Do you feel misunderstood and hurt or angry because the other person isn't responding the way you want? We often express our disfavor, frustration or anger which leads to conflict or withdrawal.  Try to cultivate your heart in your relationships.   

A cultivated heart is one that is curious, interested in and putting aside judgments of the other person and begin to seek understanding.  It is easy to view another person's behavior as being intentional toward us. We make it about us rather than cultivating understanding between you and the other party.  In real life that means stopping to consider different possibilities that would influence their behavior. Most of us let our emotions get in the way of understanding the other person.  We jump to conclusions and we react rather than respond constructively.  To have our hearts cultivated in our relationships we must put aside our immediate concerns to protect and defend ourselves (in cases other than physical or verbal abuse) or control the situation and listen, really listen to the other party.

Asking questions that clarify rather than judge can help the other person express what they are experiencing.  For instance, you might try, 'I am confused why you offered to help me with this project but every time I bring it up you say you are busy.  Can you help me understand the situation?' or 'I see that you are very upset and I don't understand what is so upsetting.  Can you help me understand?'  When the other party starts talking this is your opportunity to cultivate your heart by listening to them with an open mind and empathy.  You will learn new information that may resolve the problem or give you a platform to express your perspective or experience.

Having a cultivated heart will transform your conversations and relationships.  It requires getting out of yourself and developing awareness and thoughtful responses.  There are personalities and circumstances that are more complex and require additional information, skills and tools which can be learned through coaching or my workshops.  Let me know how this works for you!